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Eva

"I'm sorry" those were the first words my mate spoke to me.

------

He opened his mouth to continue, but stopped midway. He gripped his hair in frustration.

All I could do is stand there like a stone and look down in daze as moonlight sparkled on him; soft locks kissing his neck, the helplessness in his dangerously beautiful eyes, the perfect shadow that his nose made and the way his lips moved, trying to form words.

"I'm sorry" again

Is this what my friends feel when they look at their mates?
Is this what they are going to feel for the rest of their lives?

"I'm sorry" and again

This is what I'll be longing for. Knowing what it feels like to be complete, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life incomplete?

He now looked resolved to talk "I......I have practiced this conversation so many times over in my head" he sighed "I still don't know what to say...... I'm sorry"

His 'sorry' was bleeding my ears. I could feel the treacherous tears making their way out of my eyes; I didn't want to show him my emotions. My face remained stoic.

His eyes fired up at my tears. I could feel him holding on to the last thread of sanity. He couldn't look away from my tears; he looked visibly in pain.

That gave me a strange pleasure mixed sorrow. My wolf was howling inside me but I was pleased to see that I wasn't the only one suffering the moon goddess's joke.

It was ironic that I realized at that moment that Liam was right all those years ago; the wolf and the human do want different things.

"She......I love her" I closed my eyes "And she's pregnant"

"I know how much you are saddened by the idea of me being your mate. You fainted" he looked sad "And rightly so, you deserve to have a future and a mate who loves you. I'm sorry that you ended up with such a cruel fate"

He looked at me, pleading "Say something"

I bowed deep to the alpha in him and turned around to leave when he grabbed my hand and stood up

"I said say something for god's sake" he yelled

I turn back to look at his hand holding mine, a cold current waved through my body and ended up as a tingle in my toes. I curl my toes to suppress a moan.

He let go off my hand

I looked into his eyes "My wolf" I said with no emotion "she wishes to meet him once......just once" my voice was merely a messenger of my wolf.

He looked shocked, that was not what he expected. Did he expect me to beg for his acceptance?

His wolf let out a growl. He nodded, not taking his eyes off me, he moved back before shifting right in front of me.

He was glorious, clearly the biggest wolf I have ever seen. Although I've seen him before, looking at him now brought a different kind of pleasure. I wanted to touch his matted golden fur, nuzzle my nose deep inside the fur of his neck and stay in his arms for the rest of the night. His dark eye glowed, taking in my desire. He felt it.

He was walking towards me with eager strides. That brought me out of my trance. It was his wolf who was in control; he perhaps wouldn't like me touching him. And I didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing that I wanted him too. I'll let him believe that it was all, my wolf's calling.

I took a step back. His wolf growled, not liking me stepping back. I took few more steps away and quickly let my wolf take over. Oops! I ruined the clothes he gave me.

He walked over to her as she waited in anticipation; her greyish white fur standing up in attention.

He nuzzled his nose in the fur of her neck and she did the same. Shivers of pleasure washed over her sending a fresh wind of calmness my way, my soul tickled in joy. I let it sink in.

They both looked up at the moon and howled together.

Sadness washed over me, I knew I had to take her away and never let her meet him again. A low growl erupted from her only to be overshadowed by his loud growl. Liam was having a fight with his wolf; they were both alphas trying to control each other.

I forced her to move away from him, she retreated slowly, never leaving his gaze. He stood on the top of the mountain howling, unable to move, being held back by Liam. They looked at each other longingly as Liam forced his wolf to turn and run in the opposite direction, into the darkness.

My heart broke at my wolf's sorrow. I can give away my life if it means taking away her sorrow. How was Liam doing it? How could he bear the sorrow of his wild?

Was his wolf's happiness not important to him? Or was it just that her happiness was just a little bit more important to him. Did he love her so much that he could tolerate hurting himself everyday just to keep her close?

My wolf whimpered. She asked me if there was a way to get her mate back.

'No, there isn't, she's with a pup' I told her

She went silent at that, her heart breaking in sorrow at the thought of her mate having a pup with another.

We lay in the cold grass, under the moonlight. I woke her up as dawn hit the horizon.

We made our way back home, to a world that is the same as yesterday yet everything in that world was new for us now.

Her pain was greater than mine. I'll have to share her pain. I'll have to give her a reason to live again. And that wasn't going to be easy. But I'm sure she won't make it harder for me either.

That was the best thing about us, we hated each other, fought with each other and argued about unimportant things; but we both respected each other's limits. I protect her pride and she does the same for me.

*****

I think the certainty of the fact that there was no way I could ever claim my mate in this world made my decisions easier. Or was it just that I wasn't letting my mind sit back and think?

I didn't visit luna that morning, I knew that woman would be there. We somehow missed her at the party and we wanted to keep it that way. I and my wolf didn't want to put a face to her, it will only make us suffer more.

I waited until afternoon to meet alpha Blake at his office in the pack house. I was avoiding everyone like plague since morning. I was coming across as rude, but I didn't care.

I knocked nervously at his door.

"Eva" he greeted me with a wide smile "I see you are back for good" I gave him an awkward smile and greeted him.

I felt him, my mate, he had followed me. Did he think I would rat him out? That makes me realize how little we knew about each other.

"Liam, why don't you quit standing at the door and come in" Alpha Blake called him.

My heart jumped as the door opened. I didn't want him here, not at this moment, not withwhat  I was planning to do.

Liam took a seat next to his father. I refuse to look at him.

"So, Eva, when are you going to start your job?" Alpha Blake asked

I scratch my neck at the awkward situation I was going to jump into. I better jump straight at it.

I took a deep breath "About that, I came with a request alpha"

"request? And what's that?"

"I wish to be granted leave from the pack for an indefinite period" I heard a sharp intake of breath

"Do you wish to leave the pack" The alpha's voice raised a notch

"No" I said quickly "I don't wish to be a rogue" pleading

It was so much harder than I thought. Why was he here to add to my misery? Tears prick the back of my eyes, I hold them back.

His chair shifted

"Where are you going?" the alpha asked him

"I'm sure she wishes to see you in private, alpha" he said

"Sit down, you are going to take over in a week" the alpha said "you need to be a part of this decision"

He looked at me "Eva why don't you explain it in a way I understand?"

I prepare myself for whatever was coming my way. My life was ruined anyway, what more could happen to me? I decided to get over with it in a breath.

"I was in the woods last night and I felt my mate. He must have been a human, his scent was weak. I tried to look around but he was gone. I wish to go out there and hunt him down. I don't know how long it will take for me to find him" I finished

I hear a laughter coming from alpha Blake, I look at him confused. My heart was already at freezing point with the constant reminder that my mate was sitting right there and was doing nothing to stop me.

"That is why I have always like you, girl" Alpha said "look at you chasing after your mate with such a high spirit" was he mocking someone? "other than the fact that everyone around me will be sad to see you go, I have no objections, we will keep you in our records as long as you wish to remain a part of this pack" I was about to thank him "What do you think, Liam?" oh no "Liam, are you all right?"

My head turned to him in concern and I was hit with the intensity of his gaze. What was he doing? Did he wish to be found out?

"Yes" he said finally "I agree with you, dad" his eyes strained on me. I closed my eyes and looked away; I was prepared for this, but it still hurt.

"All right, I will send you the permission note by evening" Alpha said.

I asked alpha to keep it a secret until I was ready to talk about it with my family and friends. He reluctantly agreed.

I bowed to him and without sparing another glance at Liam, sprinted out of the door as fast as I could. I let the pent up tears make their way out once I was out of his earshot.

I spent the rest of the day packing and writing goodbye notes to everyone and promised to call back as soon as I was done with my 'me' time. I placed the letters on my study table. I only had to wait for the permission agreement and I was set to depart.

I had a plan; the plan was to get as far away from my mate as possible and give myself the freedom to mourn. I was mechanically doing things right now, but I knew that the actual effect of the loss was yet to come.

I didn't want to tell my people and make divisions in the pack. I would have done it if there was even a little hope for me, but there wasn't. The only thing my people could give me was their shoulder to cry on.

*****