Chapter 26
"Instead of desperately trying to get your pain to go away, listen to what your pain is desperately trying to reveal."_______
Going through the cupboard of her mother, she snuggled her clothes up to her chest while smelling the scent. Nikita had been sitting since a while in her mother's room and going through her cupboard just to bring back the memories which were lost from her mind since days. She pulled out a bottle of perfume she had gifted her mother last time and the liquid inside it which fragranced like her mother still existed in it but her mother didn't. Nikita pushed her thumb in to smell the perfume that her mother used in her last days. "Ahh how do you know my taste every time you gift me on my birthdays?""Because you are the world to me."With tears flowing through her eyes, she hugged the perfume that her mother loved on her last birthday. Her eyes caught the glimpse of the jewellery box that her mother had prepared for her marriage. "Mom I don't need these things, why do you end up buying a jewellery for me everytime when we have extra fund?""That's because I am the only one responsible to give your hand to your beloved groom. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have done what I did.""What is it?" "Can you answer me something?""Yes""What if your father comes all of a sudden? Will you forgive him?""He would have had the best daughter but he has the worst one because he had done the most hateful thing in my sight and that is, made my mother cry." Nikita looked at the jewelleries and ran her hand through them which were untouched by her mother. Never did she use them but kept for Nikita instead. The tired eyes of Nikita had wept enough and she started keeping away the things back to her mother's cupboard when few of her clothes mistakenly dropped down the floor. She picked them up and the floor attracted towards it, a diary which fell off from between the clothes. Nikita picked it up and it turned out to be her mother's diary which she never witnessed. 'Mom used to write?'She opened the first page of her diary and started reading it. Writing was never my cup of tea. If you think that I am a writer then know that I am not. The circumstances has made me a temporary one though.Nikita felt like her mother was talking to her directly answering the question that she was just clueless about. Sometimes in life you will face consequences which would put you in delimma. Those circumstances which would eat you from within and you would think that it was better you died before facing those but remember you are put in a situation to come out as a warrior and not a coward. Remember to take descisions what your heart desires and not what the entire world says, not even me. Don't be like me, taking wrong decisions in life and then regretting the entire life regarding it. Yes the decisions I've taken did eat me up and returned to me in the form of this disease. Those decisions kept haunting me every single night and I've never slept peacefully since then. Yes, may be you are guessing it right, it is regarding your father. He and I were in love with each other. He never betrayed me, it was me who had betrayed him. We were a happy living family and we would have been one if I didn't do what I did. He accepted Islam, but it wasn't his sole decision, infact we decided together to do so. I remember that night when we both couldn't sleep. A day before that night, while I was doing chores, my sister called me and in between excitement and nervousness, I told her everything although your father told me not to do so until we accept Islam. When I think about that night, it only gives me the guilt of spilling things which was better to be hidden. My sister told my entire family about it and my family threatened me not to do so. They were too much intrigued by their religion and thinking about the society, they were actually afraid of me being one of the Muslims. They called me the next day and I went to my home. The way they brainwashed me, is not the right time to talk about it. To be honest, my family was everything to me just as I am everything to you. I believed them just as you have believed me all your life. I loved them so much that if they refused me to marry your father, I would have never married him. Just like I've given you the idea of your father and you formed a perception against him, the same way they had changed my thoughts. This example is not to give you a hard time, but to show you how things work when one of your loved one has the access to your mind and to hypnotize you accordingly. Remember this world is a cruel place, if you don't take stand for yourself, people will make you fall with a thud for their own values and beliefs so follow what your heart desires. Do not go with crowd but what is right. You will find many people taking a path but choose the path which makes your heart content, and not the path which your loved ones follow because at the end everyone leaves and what remains with you is what you choose. I tried to convince your father but he had a better level of faith. He didn't give heed to what I said and accepted Islam. We had fights because I wanted him to do the same things which I did for my family and may be that was the definition of love for me, sacrificing the most dearest things just to make the other one happy. I did sacrifice in the way of my family but I forgot the other side of the story. I forgot that love was also steadfastness and perseverance which I couldn't maintain with my husband. Love is not to force someone according to what you want but to be patient when someone doesn't do the things the way you want. I was being selfish and just thought about my love towards my family and questioned the love of my husband when he needed me the most. You must be thinking now, that after I've sacrificed a lot for my family then why did they leave me alone in this world? Well what goes around, comes around. Everytime they asked me for a sacrifice and I did but their love was chaining me, they wanted me to live the way they liked according to the society. My relation with them turned upside down later and then I decided to take you away from the people we knew in the past. Their faces haunted me for the things sacrificed for them. When you sacrifice something for someone, they'll expect a series of sacrifice from you and if for once you refuse, they'll turn away from you ignoring the sacrifices you have done all your life. If you don't take stand for yourself now, you will be disgraced later in your life. If you love, then love yourself first and the love of others will come Bhk to you. Be selfish in loving yourself and everyone will know your worth. If you're always the sacrificing one, then this world will take you as an object to fulfil their desires and the fact is that no one will love you. This world is selfish so being a bit selfish for yourself isn't being selfish rather it's loving your own self. Your father is one of the best man I have ever met. He never forced me to do things what he liked. He asked me several times the reason of this change but I kept quiet. He kept coming to make sure that I and you were okay but we ended up having fights. It was me who asked for a divorce, may be I thought he would come back if I asked one but your father was never the one to impose his decisions on anyone and so we were separated. I could see the hurt on his face but may be my ego was more dear to me. You were the last hope of my life and so I told you things which were partially true. I am guilty of separating you from the one who was the most beloved to you. I had already sown the seed of hatred in your heart so that you would refuse to go with him. I was being selfish and in this process I forgot that it was affecting you badly. You think that I am the best mother but I am the worst one, who used her daughter to be a source of strength. I have never told you these things because you were the only source of my life and I couldn't bear your hatred although I am worthy of all the hate you will now have for me. The difference is that I won't be there to get all your hatred and I am sorry for that, I've been selfish again. Remember there's always three side of the story, the two opponents side and one that is the actual truth. Never judge someone with what one of the opponent says because he will eventually express where he was right and hide where the other one was right. You've always judged your father with what I told you about him but never tried to listen his side of the story. And lastly there's something I would like to tell you which no one knows except one of my friend. Since there is no hope for me being alive now and the guilt of the past is eating me up while there's nothing I can change from the past, there's still one thing that could give me tranquility. Of course the people cannot forgive or at least forget what I did but there's someone who could forgive me when I return to him and that is Allah. When you were away today, I called up my old friend and when she came to visit me, I accepted Islam. I don't know if Allah will forgive me for the sins I did, I don't know if I will be forgiven by him because I have repented sincerely. After accepting Islam, my heart is at rest and because of it I've gathered this strength to convey you the truth. I've started reading Qur'an which is kept in the locker of my second wardrobe and it gives me tranquility although most of the time it is hard for me to understand it. It gives me tranquility when Allah says that my sins will be forgiven if I repent sincerely and will be admitted to paradise. I am scared when hell is mentioned but I hope the best from Allah. I have mentioned you about Qur'an so that you can read it and know about Islam. Reading a book doesn't mean you need to accept it, though I would suggest to ponder on it intelligently. I don't know when will this diary reach you, but whenever it does, it would be by the will of Allah and will reach you at the right time. If by chance you meet your father someday, please ask forgiveness from my side although I am not worth it. May be if you both will forgive me then my lord will also forgive me and grant me paradise. I don't know until when I will live but whenever I die, know that my love for you was always true. I may have deceived you and lied all my life but my love for you had never been fake. I have loved you with all my heart although the means or attaining it was wrong. I know my love will decrease in your heart when you read this, but please don't hate me because I am already hating myself. Please remember me in your prayers. I am sorry for the pain I have given you all your life and I am sorry for the tears which will tripple down your cheek while you read the entire letter. I am sorry raised to the power of infinity. May Allah bless you with all the happiness of this world and the hereafter. Bidding you the first and the last time. Assalamu alaikum. Lots of love.
Your sinful mother. Nikita sat there bringing her hands to cover her face. She was not in a position to face herself. She had been living with an idea her entire life and missed out the most important things, from hating her father to hating Muslims around the globe, restraining herself from the happiness of this world and most importantly trusting someone who betrayed her the entire life. She couldn't believe that this was the reality of her life and until now she was living a lie. Now she was breathing the reality of her life and after she was relieved of the trauma which lasted few hours, she pulled out a coin to decide her fate. If the coin faced head upward then she would accept Islam and if it turns out to be tale then she would remain the same as she is. She threw the coin up in the air after closing her eyes for a while as this will be the decision which would change her entire life. The coin turned and tossed in her palm and she opened her palm to find tale to be the answer which meant- not accepting Islam. But her mother had told her to go along the lane which her heart desired, she threw the coin in the air not to decide what the coin says but to decide what her heart says. When the coin was flying up, she wished the coin to show the head side which means she would be accepting Islam. Her father had taught her this trick when she was small, never knew that she would try this for the most important decision of her life.
Going through the cupboard of her mother, she snuggled her clothes up to her chest while smelling the scent. Nikita had been sitting since a while in her mother's room and going through her cupboard just to bring back the memories which were lost from her mind since days. She pulled out a bottle of perfume she had gifted her mother last time and the liquid inside it which fragranced like her mother still existed in it but her mother didn't. Nikita pushed her thumb in to smell the perfume that her mother used in her last days. "Ahh how do you know my taste every time you gift me on my birthdays?""Because you are the world to me."With tears flowing through her eyes, she hugged the perfume that her mother loved on her last birthday. Her eyes caught the glimpse of the jewellery box that her mother had prepared for her marriage. "Mom I don't need these things, why do you end up buying a jewellery for me everytime when we have extra fund?""That's because I am the only one responsible to give your hand to your beloved groom. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have done what I did.""What is it?" "Can you answer me something?""Yes""What if your father comes all of a sudden? Will you forgive him?""He would have had the best daughter but he has the worst one because he had done the most hateful thing in my sight and that is, made my mother cry." Nikita looked at the jewelleries and ran her hand through them which were untouched by her mother. Never did she use them but kept for Nikita instead. The tired eyes of Nikita had wept enough and she started keeping away the things back to her mother's cupboard when few of her clothes mistakenly dropped down the floor. She picked them up and the floor attracted towards it, a diary which fell off from between the clothes. Nikita picked it up and it turned out to be her mother's diary which she never witnessed. 'Mom used to write?'She opened the first page of her diary and started reading it. Writing was never my cup of tea. If you think that I am a writer then know that I am not. The circumstances has made me a temporary one though.Nikita felt like her mother was talking to her directly answering the question that she was just clueless about. Sometimes in life you will face consequences which would put you in delimma. Those circumstances which would eat you from within and you would think that it was better you died before facing those but remember you are put in a situation to come out as a warrior and not a coward. Remember to take descisions what your heart desires and not what the entire world says, not even me. Don't be like me, taking wrong decisions in life and then regretting the entire life regarding it. Yes the decisions I've taken did eat me up and returned to me in the form of this disease. Those decisions kept haunting me every single night and I've never slept peacefully since then. Yes, may be you are guessing it right, it is regarding your father. He and I were in love with each other. He never betrayed me, it was me who had betrayed him. We were a happy living family and we would have been one if I didn't do what I did. He accepted Islam, but it wasn't his sole decision, infact we decided together to do so. I remember that night when we both couldn't sleep. A day before that night, while I was doing chores, my sister called me and in between excitement and nervousness, I told her everything although your father told me not to do so until we accept Islam. When I think about that night, it only gives me the guilt of spilling things which was better to be hidden. My sister told my entire family about it and my family threatened me not to do so. They were too much intrigued by their religion and thinking about the society, they were actually afraid of me being one of the Muslims. They called me the next day and I went to my home. The way they brainwashed me, is not the right time to talk about it. To be honest, my family was everything to me just as I am everything to you. I believed them just as you have believed me all your life. I loved them so much that if they refused me to marry your father, I would have never married him. Just like I've given you the idea of your father and you formed a perception against him, the same way they had changed my thoughts. This example is not to give you a hard time, but to show you how things work when one of your loved one has the access to your mind and to hypnotize you accordingly. Remember this world is a cruel place, if you don't take stand for yourself, people will make you fall with a thud for their own values and beliefs so follow what your heart desires. Do not go with crowd but what is right. You will find many people taking a path but choose the path which makes your heart content, and not the path which your loved ones follow because at the end everyone leaves and what remains with you is what you choose. I tried to convince your father but he had a better level of faith. He didn't give heed to what I said and accepted Islam. We had fights because I wanted him to do the same things which I did for my family and may be that was the definition of love for me, sacrificing the most dearest things just to make the other one happy. I did sacrifice in the way of my family but I forgot the other side of the story. I forgot that love was also steadfastness and perseverance which I couldn't maintain with my husband. Love is not to force someone according to what you want but to be patient when someone doesn't do the things the way you want. I was being selfish and just thought about my love towards my family and questioned the love of my husband when he needed me the most. You must be thinking now, that after I've sacrificed a lot for my family then why did they leave me alone in this world? Well what goes around, comes around. Everytime they asked me for a sacrifice and I did but their love was chaining me, they wanted me to live the way they liked according to the society. My relation with them turned upside down later and then I decided to take you away from the people we knew in the past. Their faces haunted me for the things sacrificed for them. When you sacrifice something for someone, they'll expect a series of sacrifice from you and if for once you refuse, they'll turn away from you ignoring the sacrifices you have done all your life. If you don't take stand for yourself now, you will be disgraced later in your life. If you love, then love yourself first and the love of others will come Bhk to you. Be selfish in loving yourself and everyone will know your worth. If you're always the sacrificing one, then this world will take you as an object to fulfil their desires and the fact is that no one will love you. This world is selfish so being a bit selfish for yourself isn't being selfish rather it's loving your own self. Your father is one of the best man I have ever met. He never forced me to do things what he liked. He asked me several times the reason of this change but I kept quiet. He kept coming to make sure that I and you were okay but we ended up having fights. It was me who asked for a divorce, may be I thought he would come back if I asked one but your father was never the one to impose his decisions on anyone and so we were separated. I could see the hurt on his face but may be my ego was more dear to me. You were the last hope of my life and so I told you things which were partially true. I am guilty of separating you from the one who was the most beloved to you. I had already sown the seed of hatred in your heart so that you would refuse to go with him. I was being selfish and in this process I forgot that it was affecting you badly. You think that I am the best mother but I am the worst one, who used her daughter to be a source of strength. I have never told you these things because you were the only source of my life and I couldn't bear your hatred although I am worthy of all the hate you will now have for me. The difference is that I won't be there to get all your hatred and I am sorry for that, I've been selfish again. Remember there's always three side of the story, the two opponents side and one that is the actual truth. Never judge someone with what one of the opponent says because he will eventually express where he was right and hide where the other one was right. You've always judged your father with what I told you about him but never tried to listen his side of the story. And lastly there's something I would like to tell you which no one knows except one of my friend. Since there is no hope for me being alive now and the guilt of the past is eating me up while there's nothing I can change from the past, there's still one thing that could give me tranquility. Of course the people cannot forgive or at least forget what I did but there's someone who could forgive me when I return to him and that is Allah. When you were away today, I called up my old friend and when she came to visit me, I accepted Islam. I don't know if Allah will forgive me for the sins I did, I don't know if I will be forgiven by him because I have repented sincerely. After accepting Islam, my heart is at rest and because of it I've gathered this strength to convey you the truth. I've started reading Qur'an which is kept in the locker of my second wardrobe and it gives me tranquility although most of the time it is hard for me to understand it. It gives me tranquility when Allah says that my sins will be forgiven if I repent sincerely and will be admitted to paradise. I am scared when hell is mentioned but I hope the best from Allah. I have mentioned you about Qur'an so that you can read it and know about Islam. Reading a book doesn't mean you need to accept it, though I would suggest to ponder on it intelligently. I don't know when will this diary reach you, but whenever it does, it would be by the will of Allah and will reach you at the right time. If by chance you meet your father someday, please ask forgiveness from my side although I am not worth it. May be if you both will forgive me then my lord will also forgive me and grant me paradise. I don't know until when I will live but whenever I die, know that my love for you was always true. I may have deceived you and lied all my life but my love for you had never been fake. I have loved you with all my heart although the means or attaining it was wrong. I know my love will decrease in your heart when you read this, but please don't hate me because I am already hating myself. Please remember me in your prayers. I am sorry for the pain I have given you all your life and I am sorry for the tears which will tripple down your cheek while you read the entire letter. I am sorry raised to the power of infinity. May Allah bless you with all the happiness of this world and the hereafter. Bidding you the first and the last time. Assalamu alaikum. Lots of love.
Your sinful mother. Nikita sat there bringing her hands to cover her face. She was not in a position to face herself. She had been living with an idea her entire life and missed out the most important things, from hating her father to hating Muslims around the globe, restraining herself from the happiness of this world and most importantly trusting someone who betrayed her the entire life. She couldn't believe that this was the reality of her life and until now she was living a lie. Now she was breathing the reality of her life and after she was relieved of the trauma which lasted few hours, she pulled out a coin to decide her fate. If the coin faced head upward then she would accept Islam and if it turns out to be tale then she would remain the same as she is. She threw the coin up in the air after closing her eyes for a while as this will be the decision which would change her entire life. The coin turned and tossed in her palm and she opened her palm to find tale to be the answer which meant- not accepting Islam. But her mother had told her to go along the lane which her heart desired, she threw the coin in the air not to decide what the coin says but to decide what her heart says. When the coin was flying up, she wished the coin to show the head side which means she would be accepting Islam. Her father had taught her this trick when she was small, never knew that she would try this for the most important decision of her life.
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