Light Upon Light
السلام عليكم ورحمه الله وبركاته
Hello there people! Yours truly has been on a roll off late. And I will still tell you guys not to keep your hopes up for another update quite so soon. This chapter has a lot of my thoughts about ahem the chapter title sprinkled in varying points of view. After you guys finish reading, I'd definitely like to see your take on it as well.***
#57 Marriage?"What do you mean by that?""Exactly what I asked silly. Tell me about Najwa," said my dear brother baffling me even more. Since when did he ever ask me about my friends in such a manner. And what brought about this curiosity, I wonder. It's not like he doesn't know her at all."You know her. You've seen her, spoken to her-" he put up a hand to stop me. "I've never really spoken to her or Lia much. Of your friends it has always been Shikha with whom I have had conversations. And that too only because she makes it a point to come and speak to me. You know I don't hold unnecessary conversations with non mehram women," he explained which made me smile. Dear old proper gentleman Samir. And here I was thinking there was something going on between him and Najwa. Especially since I misunderstood what I saw that time when the girls came to visit me. I had assumed he was ignoring her on purpose. How silly of me to think like my sixteen years old self. But that still does not answer his current interest in her. I expressed as much to him as he walked with me downstairs and back to my room. We sat by the window seat and made ourselves comfortable. "Well... To answer that..." he stalled as he stared out of the open windows. His eyes were unfocused as he gazed far off and the sunshine brought out the red in his hair. He was definitely not musing on the landscaping of Ashiana and the way he played with the plain silver band that he wore on his ring finger was getting to me. "Oh go on! You did say you don't have all day earlier to Zaid!""I wonder who the girl he wishes to marry is... And why does he want to speak to you when Mom lands here?" Samir mused as he focused his attention back on me. His eyes were fixed on mine as he tried to read them and decipher what had eluded him earlier. Not happening. And before my face decided to give things away with a blush, I brought the question back to Najwa. It was a weird cat and mouse game we were playing. Each trying to dig into the other's soul. Except I wanted to conceal and he was having trouble beginning to reveal."Well Juni meri jaan, you know there is pressure upon me from all sides to get married. Nani has been calling me everyday, asking me to go over to Dar-e-Rahma so that she can introduce me to some people. And just as Zaid was saying, I do not have any real reason to refuse marriage anymore. All this while it was the transfer of duties between Shoaib and I that was a perfect excuse to say no. Dad and Mom understood that I couldn't take up any more commitments," he sighed and started playing with his ring again."But now you're settled.""Now, I am settled..."He was cracking his knuckles next. I really wanted to laugh at how nervous my usually calm and composed brother looked. It was too cute. "Tell me something Samir..." "Hmm?" he looked up with a light smile playing on his lips. "Do you really not want to get married? Do you worry about commitments like I do?"It has been a while since the two of us had an open conversation like this. The last few years we have both been busy with our lives and careers, and while we did tease each other about marriage... We never got around to talking about it earnestly. Both of us have our families after us to get married. I have my own... Reasons...not to, I wonder what he thought of marriage. "I used to initially, to be honest. But then seeing Shoaib and Ayesha finding happiness with their spouses and later their children, I've gotten over that. Alhamdulilah. Nope it is not being committed I'm worried about. What bothers me is finding the right life partner," he said, that soft smile showing up on his face again. If I'm not mistaken then my dear Samir was blushing as he thought of a future filled with love and joy. Oh this is awesome! Clasping my hands together, I squealed in happiness. He immediately shushed me by covering my face with his hands. I couldn't stop grinning though. Alhamdulilah, this is so cool! "Shut up silly Juju, you'll bring the whole household in here!"He didn't take his hands off of me until I relaxed a bit. And I was biting his ears off with all sorts of questions when I was free to speak. "This is so exciting! Tell me all about it! What are you looking for in my Bhabhi? Have you found someone already? What's she like? When am I meeting her?""Stop it Juni. Calm down... Let us not get ahead of ourselves. Unlike Shoaib, I'm smart enough to go and get my girl if there was one. As of now there is no one!" That deflated me quick enough. But I was not one to be put off. So what if there wasn't anyone in the picture yet. We could still find her. "So what qualities are you looking for in my Bhabhi?""There is nothing much really. So long as she is a proper Muslimah, well mannered and from a good family, I will be happy with her," he said. "But like half of the girls in Salimabad qualify for that!""Well I did ask you about one specific person..."And then it dawned in my usually quick-to-catch-things brain. He was interested in Najwa as a potential future life partner!! Oh my Allah it was the best thing I thought of since morning. Samir and Najwa. Najwa and Samir. Oh yes! "Sajwa for the win!" "Easy sherni... Slow down. I know she easily qualifies for what I've listed as my requirements in my wife. But I'd like to know what she is looking for in her life partner before consulting the adults and sending a proposal."That made me think. I really haven't broached the topic of marriage with regards to Najwa. Lia was already engaged and so apart from teasing her and being excited for her wedding, my girl gang has been careful not to dwell too much on that subject. It really put Najwa off, especially considering all the rejections she has been getting left and right. Shikha has told me all about it and it made me really angry to think of how stupid society and its standards of beauty are. "Tell me something Samir... She has faced a lot of rejections and in the past two years. And all because she isn't fair and hence not beautiful according to our great Indian society. What's your take on this? I refuse to let you proceed with this only for you, my brother, to do the same to my best friend." I was dead serious about it. If he preferred a girl who was fair then I won't grudge him that. It was his choice. But if he focused on that alone then I would be sorely disappointed. Not that I think Samir would be that way. But I still had to make sure. He's a handsome young man and he can easily get any girl he wants. And that's the sad and distorted reality of our society. Even if he were not quite so handsome, he could still pick and choose. "It makes me frustrated with my kind for being so shallow. And I am so sorry Najwa had to go through all of that. I understand where you come from. I won't lie and say I've never looked at Najwa, nor will I say her appearance doesn't matter to me... But what is more important is her character. And I will say this, I've always found her a beautiful person. Inside and out."And Samir blushed. For a moment only. However, he blushed! "Aww Samir, you're the best!" I said and threw myself at him. Laughing, he hugged me back and patted me as always. After we pulled apart, he prompted me about Najwa once more. "Okay so... I don't really know what Najwa desires in her husband. But if I'm not wrong, it cannot be far off from what you want. And also... I'm certain she'd like to work. You know she's in the last year of med school right now. What's your take on that?"He took a moment to answer. And I was afraid that this might not work out after all. And here I was building castles up in the air, imagining all the fun I would have with Najwa as my Bhabhi. "Well... I cannot refuse. Our own Mom is a doctor. It would be hypocrisy if I did so. However, I would prefer for her to stay at home when she's a mother. Assuming things proceed favourably."Interesting. And something I agreed with wholeheartedly. I for my part didn't want a doctor for my spouse. It was tough growing up with an absentee mother, and I'd rather not have that repeated with my husband as well. True, not all doctors had demanding schedules, but even then... I'd rather not marry one. "Just do me a favour and find out more. I know it's not going to be easy talking to Najwa about it without raising her suspicions. Especially since she'd be well aware of your history of matchmaking."I punched his shoulder for that. And grinned as he winced in pain. "You still have a mean right hook," he groaned."Oh stop being a baby about it. You're the one who trained me after all," I gloated and he messed up my hair. I threw a cushion at him. He threw it right back. He raised his arms up in truce before a full on war could break out. "Alright, alright! I have to get back to work. You find out, be discreet and let me know. And please for Allah's sake keep it a secret from Iqra and Ayesha. I don't want them harping on me along with you. You lot are a force to reckon with when you band together," he said as he walked out of my room. I threw one last cushion which hit the door as he closed it. Alright brother. Mission Sajwa is now on. And unfortunately Agent Junaina Javed Ali has to manage this on her own temporarily. I rubbed my hands together in anticipation. My intuition was so right, Najwa belonged to this family! You were also thinking of matching her up with Zaid. Oh stop digging that grave already. What's past is past. These internal fights between the mind and heart are going to drive me insane some day. For the next few days there was no sign of the sun, or Bhabhi and the children or Zaid. The latter had gone to Hyderabad. Giving me relief from all those turbulent emotions and feelings that his presence brought about. Iqra Bhabhi and the children continued staying at Baithunnoor until the torrential downpour ceased a bit. And I don't know why, but I seriously lacked inspiration as far as Mission Sajwa was concerned. I had planned a meet up with Najwa and the girls at one of the new cafes in town. However my plans were upset by the rain and continued to be so. My pretext was of course helping Lia with her wedding shopping and just hanging out. I was hoping to introduce the topic of future spouses for us single ladies in a vague fashion somehow through the course of our meeting. But it was not to be. Qadr Allah of course, and I won't question that. So the week of rain which is also barakah was basically a week of boredom for me and also plenty of spare time to do nothing but think and plot. Samir did not mention Najwa to me again. It was almost as if he had forgotten that great big deep conversation we had the other day. In a way I am grateful he wasn't pushing it, because it would ultimately lead to the question of my future. He would definitely want to know what expectations I had of my future spouse. Honestly?I haven't thought about it one whit until now. I didn't have to think about it actually. The last few years were consumed with my studies. While the odd book or movie here with a cute couple may have made me long for a little love in my life, I wasn't really bothered about being single. If you ask me, all those years there was no space in my life for a partner. And marriage is completing half of one's Deen. The responsibility of completing the other half is still upon us as individuals and indeed we will be held accountable for our deeds as individuals. In that respect, I believed I still had a long way to go before I could go looking for the person who would help me complete the half that is marriage. After my classes at school and later college, I used to attend Qur'an lessons in the local masjid, taught by an Arab lady. From there I learned how to recite the Qur'an properly with tajweed. Even if it may sound like I'm boasting about myself, I do think I have pretty good recitation now. Iqra Bhabhi was a great help in my spiritual journey as well. She would often lend me excellent books to read like Don't Be Sad by Dr. Ai'dh Al Qarni to take an example. I missed my little lessons on life and Islam with Dadi, however I tried to compensate by watching lectures on YouTube and reading the abridged but still useful English translation of Tafsir Ibn Katheer. It didn't take me long after shifting back to Dubai to start wearing the headscarf. And it was quite a struggle initially. The heat would bother me, my hair was also a bother. At one point I completely chopped down my lovely long locks to my shoulder level because I was so frustrated by them. While it did help me when I wrapped my scarf, I did miss my hair. So I grew it back and learnt to put up with the struggles of a headscarf wearing Muslimah. Sigh.Wearing the abaya took a few years for me. And it was a struggle all over again. From the chic hijab styles phase I had transitioned into wearing the headscarf properly, making sure that my awrah was covered and that my outfits were less on the fashionable side and more on the modest side. It was not at all easy considering I had chosen to study fashion and this thing called modest fashion was becoming a growing phenomenon. It was slowly becoming more about fashion and less about modesty and that started bugging me. Eventually I found the solution in abaya. And believe me it was so hard to find simple abayas that I took to designing and stitching them myself. By then I had learnt that hijab was more than just a piece of cloth that covered your hair, that it was prescribed for both genders. And so over time I've been working on myself slowly and steadily because I remember reading somewhere that Allah is Just. He won't give you a life partner who is pious if you're not so in the first place. After all good men are for good women and vice versa. It took me a lot of painful struggles to find my faith once more and come to the point at which I am right now and in no way am I going to stop working on myself because I want a man who will drag me with him to Jannah. Of this one quality, I'm a hundred and one percent certain. And so I refused to compromise on my Deen for anything in the world. After all faith and a good relationship with Allah is priceless. Unlike all the bounties of the world we live in. And instead of thinking about Najwa and Samir, I've been lost in these thoughts about myself and my future. It wouldn't be quite so hard to get married for me. I knew that. I have been blessed with what society deems beautiful, I am from one of the most reputable families in Salimabad and I'm educated. I have heard the adults often discuss all the proposals that have come our way, asking for my hand and my brother's too. But either they stopped talking when they saw me or I paid no heed for I truly wasn't interested."Junaina Javed Ali, I'm beginning to think Samir is right when he complains that you're never paying attention."It was Di. She waved her hands in front of my face as she spoke in a raised voice, bringing me out of my head. And I was grateful that she did so even if I didn't mention it. My head was slowly starting to become a dangerous space. "Are you alright honey?" she asked as she sat next to me on the widow seat with a bit of effort. She was always a petite female and it seemed like her baby bump quite about swallowed her as a person. However, she never complained. Barak Allahu Feeha."Juni, stop spacing out dear. What's wrong?" I shook my head at her concern."I'm fine, Alhamdulilah. Stop worrying about everyone like this Di. My little one will end up becoming a worrier too," I joked even though I knew there was no getting away from another heart to heart.First Dadi, then Samir and now Di. I wonder who's next on the list.It's almost like this girl cannot live life in peace anymore. "It is your fault anyway. You've been silent and moping about the house for a week now. Tell me what's up?"How could I? When Samir had forbidden me from telling her about it! "Fine then, keep moping. I'm the idiot, always going around, caring for you lot!" Di huffed and started rising from her seat. Oh boy. I grabbed her hand quickly and made her sit with me once more. "Calm down Di. You know it's not like that. And I know it's your hormones doing the talking... Just give me a minute, I'm trying to find a means to phrase this you know."She sighed and gave me a rueful smile. We watched the sun which had shown up after so long, gradually make its way to the horizon. It'll be maghrib in about half an hour. The sky way resplendent. There were huge fluffy clouds and they made the descent of the sun even more splendid. There were pinks in the sky, streaks of orange and bits of purple. It was such a beautiful painting that Allah had put out there for us to enjoy and find peace in. Alhamdulilah. "Di...""Hmm?""Did you have... Any list of qualities or something... When the adults were you know, groom searching for you?" "Ahh... So that's where your mind has been wandering all these days. So has the sherni finally started to think of getting married?" Di asked with a full blown grin, dimples and all. "Yes and no,"i answered truthfully."What do you mean?""I was actually thinking about Najwa. Wondering if she had any desires about her future husband... Wondering if she too gets to reject proposals on the basis of what she wants, just as people are being so cruel to her. And it got me thinking... of my own future a bit. That's all.""Hmm. I see. Well, I cannot answer in general, but most girls do have an idea of their future spouses in their mind you know. Mostly fantasies born out of reading the wrong books and watching silly movies and TV shows if you ask me." She said shaking her head. I had to laugh at that, except it wasn't really funny. How true it was... People really had unrealistic expectations and views on life. "As for me, I wanted someone who really internalised Islam. Not just praying five times a day or fasting or merely doing ritual worship. I also wanted someone who wouldn't be a typical mama's boy. I wanted him to be someone I can respect. And you know very well that Abrar won my respect from day one. But honestly, I never really gave importance to what I wanted. Nobody ever asked me. Nani did... But I was too busy being shy to answer her properly. And Abbu just wanted to know if I had any preferences with regards to his career. That's all,'"I would like to give you this one advice Juni. And maybe this will help Najwa too. Share it with your girls. Do not disregard your wishes and desires. Make a list of them. As many points as you like. Find out what's of priority and then most importantly share your self discovery with your parents. There is a lot more to marriage then just a big fat wedding and I think you girls are mature enough to understand that. But whatever you have in mind, try your best to communicate with your parents. And also make plenty of duaa. Everything is in Allah's hands and He knows best. Do not jump into a marriage because there's pressure on you from the family and society. Do not say no to a good proposal without having a sound reason for it. Pray istikhara. Allah has asked us to seek help through Sabr and Salah. And that's what we should do... And that's my two cents on this thing," Di smiled and gave my hand a squeeze. I smiled back, feeling much better than before. It was like suddenly the curtains were parted and light was let into the chambers of my heart, pushing away the most and fog that stopped me from seeing clearly. I knew what I had to do, and in sha Allah I'd have an answer for Samir soon. ***
Yay!So, tell me! Do you agree with Samir? Di? Juni? All of them? Would you like to add more to their pov? I wonder if there is someone who disagrees. It'll lead to an interesting discussion.Till next time then! Much love,f.m.f
Hello there people! Yours truly has been on a roll off late. And I will still tell you guys not to keep your hopes up for another update quite so soon. This chapter has a lot of my thoughts about ahem the chapter title sprinkled in varying points of view. After you guys finish reading, I'd definitely like to see your take on it as well.***
#57 Marriage?"What do you mean by that?""Exactly what I asked silly. Tell me about Najwa," said my dear brother baffling me even more. Since when did he ever ask me about my friends in such a manner. And what brought about this curiosity, I wonder. It's not like he doesn't know her at all."You know her. You've seen her, spoken to her-" he put up a hand to stop me. "I've never really spoken to her or Lia much. Of your friends it has always been Shikha with whom I have had conversations. And that too only because she makes it a point to come and speak to me. You know I don't hold unnecessary conversations with non mehram women," he explained which made me smile. Dear old proper gentleman Samir. And here I was thinking there was something going on between him and Najwa. Especially since I misunderstood what I saw that time when the girls came to visit me. I had assumed he was ignoring her on purpose. How silly of me to think like my sixteen years old self. But that still does not answer his current interest in her. I expressed as much to him as he walked with me downstairs and back to my room. We sat by the window seat and made ourselves comfortable. "Well... To answer that..." he stalled as he stared out of the open windows. His eyes were unfocused as he gazed far off and the sunshine brought out the red in his hair. He was definitely not musing on the landscaping of Ashiana and the way he played with the plain silver band that he wore on his ring finger was getting to me. "Oh go on! You did say you don't have all day earlier to Zaid!""I wonder who the girl he wishes to marry is... And why does he want to speak to you when Mom lands here?" Samir mused as he focused his attention back on me. His eyes were fixed on mine as he tried to read them and decipher what had eluded him earlier. Not happening. And before my face decided to give things away with a blush, I brought the question back to Najwa. It was a weird cat and mouse game we were playing. Each trying to dig into the other's soul. Except I wanted to conceal and he was having trouble beginning to reveal."Well Juni meri jaan, you know there is pressure upon me from all sides to get married. Nani has been calling me everyday, asking me to go over to Dar-e-Rahma so that she can introduce me to some people. And just as Zaid was saying, I do not have any real reason to refuse marriage anymore. All this while it was the transfer of duties between Shoaib and I that was a perfect excuse to say no. Dad and Mom understood that I couldn't take up any more commitments," he sighed and started playing with his ring again."But now you're settled.""Now, I am settled..."He was cracking his knuckles next. I really wanted to laugh at how nervous my usually calm and composed brother looked. It was too cute. "Tell me something Samir..." "Hmm?" he looked up with a light smile playing on his lips. "Do you really not want to get married? Do you worry about commitments like I do?"It has been a while since the two of us had an open conversation like this. The last few years we have both been busy with our lives and careers, and while we did tease each other about marriage... We never got around to talking about it earnestly. Both of us have our families after us to get married. I have my own... Reasons...not to, I wonder what he thought of marriage. "I used to initially, to be honest. But then seeing Shoaib and Ayesha finding happiness with their spouses and later their children, I've gotten over that. Alhamdulilah. Nope it is not being committed I'm worried about. What bothers me is finding the right life partner," he said, that soft smile showing up on his face again. If I'm not mistaken then my dear Samir was blushing as he thought of a future filled with love and joy. Oh this is awesome! Clasping my hands together, I squealed in happiness. He immediately shushed me by covering my face with his hands. I couldn't stop grinning though. Alhamdulilah, this is so cool! "Shut up silly Juju, you'll bring the whole household in here!"He didn't take his hands off of me until I relaxed a bit. And I was biting his ears off with all sorts of questions when I was free to speak. "This is so exciting! Tell me all about it! What are you looking for in my Bhabhi? Have you found someone already? What's she like? When am I meeting her?""Stop it Juni. Calm down... Let us not get ahead of ourselves. Unlike Shoaib, I'm smart enough to go and get my girl if there was one. As of now there is no one!" That deflated me quick enough. But I was not one to be put off. So what if there wasn't anyone in the picture yet. We could still find her. "So what qualities are you looking for in my Bhabhi?""There is nothing much really. So long as she is a proper Muslimah, well mannered and from a good family, I will be happy with her," he said. "But like half of the girls in Salimabad qualify for that!""Well I did ask you about one specific person..."And then it dawned in my usually quick-to-catch-things brain. He was interested in Najwa as a potential future life partner!! Oh my Allah it was the best thing I thought of since morning. Samir and Najwa. Najwa and Samir. Oh yes! "Sajwa for the win!" "Easy sherni... Slow down. I know she easily qualifies for what I've listed as my requirements in my wife. But I'd like to know what she is looking for in her life partner before consulting the adults and sending a proposal."That made me think. I really haven't broached the topic of marriage with regards to Najwa. Lia was already engaged and so apart from teasing her and being excited for her wedding, my girl gang has been careful not to dwell too much on that subject. It really put Najwa off, especially considering all the rejections she has been getting left and right. Shikha has told me all about it and it made me really angry to think of how stupid society and its standards of beauty are. "Tell me something Samir... She has faced a lot of rejections and in the past two years. And all because she isn't fair and hence not beautiful according to our great Indian society. What's your take on this? I refuse to let you proceed with this only for you, my brother, to do the same to my best friend." I was dead serious about it. If he preferred a girl who was fair then I won't grudge him that. It was his choice. But if he focused on that alone then I would be sorely disappointed. Not that I think Samir would be that way. But I still had to make sure. He's a handsome young man and he can easily get any girl he wants. And that's the sad and distorted reality of our society. Even if he were not quite so handsome, he could still pick and choose. "It makes me frustrated with my kind for being so shallow. And I am so sorry Najwa had to go through all of that. I understand where you come from. I won't lie and say I've never looked at Najwa, nor will I say her appearance doesn't matter to me... But what is more important is her character. And I will say this, I've always found her a beautiful person. Inside and out."And Samir blushed. For a moment only. However, he blushed! "Aww Samir, you're the best!" I said and threw myself at him. Laughing, he hugged me back and patted me as always. After we pulled apart, he prompted me about Najwa once more. "Okay so... I don't really know what Najwa desires in her husband. But if I'm not wrong, it cannot be far off from what you want. And also... I'm certain she'd like to work. You know she's in the last year of med school right now. What's your take on that?"He took a moment to answer. And I was afraid that this might not work out after all. And here I was building castles up in the air, imagining all the fun I would have with Najwa as my Bhabhi. "Well... I cannot refuse. Our own Mom is a doctor. It would be hypocrisy if I did so. However, I would prefer for her to stay at home when she's a mother. Assuming things proceed favourably."Interesting. And something I agreed with wholeheartedly. I for my part didn't want a doctor for my spouse. It was tough growing up with an absentee mother, and I'd rather not have that repeated with my husband as well. True, not all doctors had demanding schedules, but even then... I'd rather not marry one. "Just do me a favour and find out more. I know it's not going to be easy talking to Najwa about it without raising her suspicions. Especially since she'd be well aware of your history of matchmaking."I punched his shoulder for that. And grinned as he winced in pain. "You still have a mean right hook," he groaned."Oh stop being a baby about it. You're the one who trained me after all," I gloated and he messed up my hair. I threw a cushion at him. He threw it right back. He raised his arms up in truce before a full on war could break out. "Alright, alright! I have to get back to work. You find out, be discreet and let me know. And please for Allah's sake keep it a secret from Iqra and Ayesha. I don't want them harping on me along with you. You lot are a force to reckon with when you band together," he said as he walked out of my room. I threw one last cushion which hit the door as he closed it. Alright brother. Mission Sajwa is now on. And unfortunately Agent Junaina Javed Ali has to manage this on her own temporarily. I rubbed my hands together in anticipation. My intuition was so right, Najwa belonged to this family! You were also thinking of matching her up with Zaid. Oh stop digging that grave already. What's past is past. These internal fights between the mind and heart are going to drive me insane some day. For the next few days there was no sign of the sun, or Bhabhi and the children or Zaid. The latter had gone to Hyderabad. Giving me relief from all those turbulent emotions and feelings that his presence brought about. Iqra Bhabhi and the children continued staying at Baithunnoor until the torrential downpour ceased a bit. And I don't know why, but I seriously lacked inspiration as far as Mission Sajwa was concerned. I had planned a meet up with Najwa and the girls at one of the new cafes in town. However my plans were upset by the rain and continued to be so. My pretext was of course helping Lia with her wedding shopping and just hanging out. I was hoping to introduce the topic of future spouses for us single ladies in a vague fashion somehow through the course of our meeting. But it was not to be. Qadr Allah of course, and I won't question that. So the week of rain which is also barakah was basically a week of boredom for me and also plenty of spare time to do nothing but think and plot. Samir did not mention Najwa to me again. It was almost as if he had forgotten that great big deep conversation we had the other day. In a way I am grateful he wasn't pushing it, because it would ultimately lead to the question of my future. He would definitely want to know what expectations I had of my future spouse. Honestly?I haven't thought about it one whit until now. I didn't have to think about it actually. The last few years were consumed with my studies. While the odd book or movie here with a cute couple may have made me long for a little love in my life, I wasn't really bothered about being single. If you ask me, all those years there was no space in my life for a partner. And marriage is completing half of one's Deen. The responsibility of completing the other half is still upon us as individuals and indeed we will be held accountable for our deeds as individuals. In that respect, I believed I still had a long way to go before I could go looking for the person who would help me complete the half that is marriage. After my classes at school and later college, I used to attend Qur'an lessons in the local masjid, taught by an Arab lady. From there I learned how to recite the Qur'an properly with tajweed. Even if it may sound like I'm boasting about myself, I do think I have pretty good recitation now. Iqra Bhabhi was a great help in my spiritual journey as well. She would often lend me excellent books to read like Don't Be Sad by Dr. Ai'dh Al Qarni to take an example. I missed my little lessons on life and Islam with Dadi, however I tried to compensate by watching lectures on YouTube and reading the abridged but still useful English translation of Tafsir Ibn Katheer. It didn't take me long after shifting back to Dubai to start wearing the headscarf. And it was quite a struggle initially. The heat would bother me, my hair was also a bother. At one point I completely chopped down my lovely long locks to my shoulder level because I was so frustrated by them. While it did help me when I wrapped my scarf, I did miss my hair. So I grew it back and learnt to put up with the struggles of a headscarf wearing Muslimah. Sigh.Wearing the abaya took a few years for me. And it was a struggle all over again. From the chic hijab styles phase I had transitioned into wearing the headscarf properly, making sure that my awrah was covered and that my outfits were less on the fashionable side and more on the modest side. It was not at all easy considering I had chosen to study fashion and this thing called modest fashion was becoming a growing phenomenon. It was slowly becoming more about fashion and less about modesty and that started bugging me. Eventually I found the solution in abaya. And believe me it was so hard to find simple abayas that I took to designing and stitching them myself. By then I had learnt that hijab was more than just a piece of cloth that covered your hair, that it was prescribed for both genders. And so over time I've been working on myself slowly and steadily because I remember reading somewhere that Allah is Just. He won't give you a life partner who is pious if you're not so in the first place. After all good men are for good women and vice versa. It took me a lot of painful struggles to find my faith once more and come to the point at which I am right now and in no way am I going to stop working on myself because I want a man who will drag me with him to Jannah. Of this one quality, I'm a hundred and one percent certain. And so I refused to compromise on my Deen for anything in the world. After all faith and a good relationship with Allah is priceless. Unlike all the bounties of the world we live in. And instead of thinking about Najwa and Samir, I've been lost in these thoughts about myself and my future. It wouldn't be quite so hard to get married for me. I knew that. I have been blessed with what society deems beautiful, I am from one of the most reputable families in Salimabad and I'm educated. I have heard the adults often discuss all the proposals that have come our way, asking for my hand and my brother's too. But either they stopped talking when they saw me or I paid no heed for I truly wasn't interested."Junaina Javed Ali, I'm beginning to think Samir is right when he complains that you're never paying attention."It was Di. She waved her hands in front of my face as she spoke in a raised voice, bringing me out of my head. And I was grateful that she did so even if I didn't mention it. My head was slowly starting to become a dangerous space. "Are you alright honey?" she asked as she sat next to me on the widow seat with a bit of effort. She was always a petite female and it seemed like her baby bump quite about swallowed her as a person. However, she never complained. Barak Allahu Feeha."Juni, stop spacing out dear. What's wrong?" I shook my head at her concern."I'm fine, Alhamdulilah. Stop worrying about everyone like this Di. My little one will end up becoming a worrier too," I joked even though I knew there was no getting away from another heart to heart.First Dadi, then Samir and now Di. I wonder who's next on the list.It's almost like this girl cannot live life in peace anymore. "It is your fault anyway. You've been silent and moping about the house for a week now. Tell me what's up?"How could I? When Samir had forbidden me from telling her about it! "Fine then, keep moping. I'm the idiot, always going around, caring for you lot!" Di huffed and started rising from her seat. Oh boy. I grabbed her hand quickly and made her sit with me once more. "Calm down Di. You know it's not like that. And I know it's your hormones doing the talking... Just give me a minute, I'm trying to find a means to phrase this you know."She sighed and gave me a rueful smile. We watched the sun which had shown up after so long, gradually make its way to the horizon. It'll be maghrib in about half an hour. The sky way resplendent. There were huge fluffy clouds and they made the descent of the sun even more splendid. There were pinks in the sky, streaks of orange and bits of purple. It was such a beautiful painting that Allah had put out there for us to enjoy and find peace in. Alhamdulilah. "Di...""Hmm?""Did you have... Any list of qualities or something... When the adults were you know, groom searching for you?" "Ahh... So that's where your mind has been wandering all these days. So has the sherni finally started to think of getting married?" Di asked with a full blown grin, dimples and all. "Yes and no,"i answered truthfully."What do you mean?""I was actually thinking about Najwa. Wondering if she had any desires about her future husband... Wondering if she too gets to reject proposals on the basis of what she wants, just as people are being so cruel to her. And it got me thinking... of my own future a bit. That's all.""Hmm. I see. Well, I cannot answer in general, but most girls do have an idea of their future spouses in their mind you know. Mostly fantasies born out of reading the wrong books and watching silly movies and TV shows if you ask me." She said shaking her head. I had to laugh at that, except it wasn't really funny. How true it was... People really had unrealistic expectations and views on life. "As for me, I wanted someone who really internalised Islam. Not just praying five times a day or fasting or merely doing ritual worship. I also wanted someone who wouldn't be a typical mama's boy. I wanted him to be someone I can respect. And you know very well that Abrar won my respect from day one. But honestly, I never really gave importance to what I wanted. Nobody ever asked me. Nani did... But I was too busy being shy to answer her properly. And Abbu just wanted to know if I had any preferences with regards to his career. That's all,'"I would like to give you this one advice Juni. And maybe this will help Najwa too. Share it with your girls. Do not disregard your wishes and desires. Make a list of them. As many points as you like. Find out what's of priority and then most importantly share your self discovery with your parents. There is a lot more to marriage then just a big fat wedding and I think you girls are mature enough to understand that. But whatever you have in mind, try your best to communicate with your parents. And also make plenty of duaa. Everything is in Allah's hands and He knows best. Do not jump into a marriage because there's pressure on you from the family and society. Do not say no to a good proposal without having a sound reason for it. Pray istikhara. Allah has asked us to seek help through Sabr and Salah. And that's what we should do... And that's my two cents on this thing," Di smiled and gave my hand a squeeze. I smiled back, feeling much better than before. It was like suddenly the curtains were parted and light was let into the chambers of my heart, pushing away the most and fog that stopped me from seeing clearly. I knew what I had to do, and in sha Allah I'd have an answer for Samir soon. ***
Yay!So, tell me! Do you agree with Samir? Di? Juni? All of them? Would you like to add more to their pov? I wonder if there is someone who disagrees. It'll lead to an interesting discussion.Till next time then! Much love,f.m.f
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