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8th April 2020

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not."

[Surah Al- Baqarah]

Chapter 17:

A concoction of bitter emotions

Rufaida gazed at the retreating back of her last patient for the day, and placing her hands on her desk, she sighed. She was a single mother of two school-going girls, and throughout the nutrition counseling, as she asked her about her diet, the lady spoke about her personal life too and Rufaida saw so much of her mother in her.

She hated the fact that the hospital had introduced a new policy, and while initially, the doctor prescribed a basic food chart free of cost with the medication, while a detailed diet plan could be availed from the nutritionist by choice, and if the patient could afford it, the latter option was revoked from the past few weeks. So now, the patients who already struggled to pay for the medication were forcefully sent into nutrition counseling, which became an added burden. To top it, if Rufaida wanted a hike, she was compelled to advocate supplements and complementary micronutrient tabs from tie-up companies, and meet a particular target every month. She never got into prescribing those things unless they were truly necessary and the clients could purchase it without burning a hole in their pocket, but that also meant the higher authorities were blacklisting Rufaida. She didn't tag along in their extra money-making schemes, and it was starting to become a problem for them.

A knock on her cabin door startled her, and she was met with the ward boy who'd brought with him some news.

"Dr. Aruna is asking for you," he announced.

"I'm coming," Rufaida nodded, as she stood up and trailed her path to the Chief Dietician's cabin.

She knocked on the door and having sought permission to enter, she walked inside, greeted her and accepted the seat she was offered.

"Ms. Rufaida," Dr. Aruna started, and Rufaida patiently waited to hear what she had to say. She mostly expected her to ask questions regarding her counseling sessions.

"I heard you had a little encounter with Dr. Shashi this morning."

At the unexpected inquiry, Rufaida willed herself to not seem startled and maintained her composure.

"Yes, Doctor, but it was sorted right there," she clarified.

"I'd be glad if you could elaborate on it, nonetheless."

Nodding, Rufaida explained, "I've been monitoring the patient in 302 and taking care of his diet from the past couple of days. I prescribed him a glass of milk along with his breakfast this morning, and when the food was served, Dr. Shashi was around and immediately called me to the unit. He started yelling at me for planning milk in his diet because according to him it wasn't allowed with the medication that the patient was on. I clarified that the patient was not allowed to have milk only for 12 hours after consuming the tablet, and I had checked the time and it was completely safe to drink it then since that many hours had passed."

"And I believe all of this happened in front of the patient and the floor nurses?"

"Yes, Dr. Shashi initiated the debate there, I was only defending my case."

"Okay," Dr. Aruna nodded, and then asked, "And what about your monthly targets? I heard that you haven't been meeting them?"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but most of the patients I've been counseling are struggling to make ends meet, so I've resorted to giving them a low-cost diet that meets the nutritional requirements, and I haven't been prescribing supplements unless truly necessary."

"But you do understand we have targets to meet, and this warning was given to you a month back too?"

"To be very honest with you, Ma'am, I work on a humanitarian basis and my client's health and their well being is my priority, as for targets..."

"Very well," Dr. Aruna nodded. "It was a pleasure working with you, Ms. Rufaida, the hospital is grateful for your services and the dedication with which you worked, but our journey ends here. You don't have to come to work from tomorrow, the paperwork will be handled via mail, and all dues will be cleared. Thank you, you may leave now."

Rufaida gazed at the lady in front, trying to decipher the meaning behind those words. Her lips suddenly went dry and her throat felt so parched as if she hadn't tasted water in ages.

No, it couldn't be what it was.

That's it? She was being asked to leave without further explanations? That's all it was going to take for her life to come crashing down? So many dreams, so many plans, so many commitments based on this job, and they were going to be thrown for a toss in less than a second?

She and her mum had just taken a step towards happier days. The home loan that her mum had borrowed from a colleague on a zero-interest basis was yet to be cleared. Rufaida was yet to reach a stage in life where she could tell her mum she didn't have to work for money anymore. She still had to start saving up to take her mum for hajj, she still had to take her mum to restaurants for dinners, take her to shopping stores and shop without having to worry about the price tag, she was yet to set up her mum's dream of building a community kitchen and feeding the poor. There was so much left to do in life, she couldn't get fired from an institute she had so loyally worked for all these years. It didn't add up, please, it didn't.

Is this all it was going to take to go from having a heart so full she could cry to a soul so empty she didn't even have tears to shed?

She was only thinking for her clients, seeing her life through their eyes, knowing the humongous effort it took to save every penny, looking through poverty for what it was, understanding their pain of what it meant to have a hungry stomach and an empty pocket. She didn't have any hidden motives in this, so why was life being so unfair to her?

"Ma'am..." Rufaida trailed off, reeling from the shock of her verdict.

"I hope you get to work with people who value your dedication, Rufaida," Dr. Aruna stated, her tone softer this time. "I'm afraid there's nothing left for you here anymore. In business, the power of authority dominates the power of humanity. I hope God compensates you for your kind heart and empathetic nature."

Dr. Shashi had a big ego, she had heard about it from the beginning, she just didn't know it would come to play against her to this extent. His personal dislike towards her coupled with her nonchalance to meet targets ended up blowing the mater out of proportion.

Rufaida didn't know how she managed to walk out of the cabin and step in her own, she wasn't sure how she gathered her files, books and other belongings from the desk, she couldn't comprehend how her quivering fingers managed to gently grab the prayer mat from the drawer, or the only frame that hung on one of the walls, a gift from her mum when she had been promoted as the Senior Dietitian.

When she had walked in that morning, she didn't know it was the last time she would be stepping in as the Senior Dietitian of the hospital. She was going to miss her patients, the kind nurses and her colleagues, none of whom she had the heart to bid goodbye.

With a heavy bag in hand, while carrying a heavier heart, she stepped out of the premises, unsure if she was disheartened by the fact that the people she worked so dedicatedly for did not take a second to devalue her efforts or the uncertainty of the future that threatened to swallow her in a never-ending dark abyss of grief she was just learning to come out from.

***

The events of the day felt like a blur, and it was not until Rufaida reached home did she feel warm tears narrate the anguish of her heart. For someone who was always sure of her next move, Rufaida didn't know how to react now that she was put in such a spot.

"Rufi, this is not the end of the world," Asma consoled. "It's understandable that you're hurt and feel betrayed, you can cry as much as you want to, but I don't want you to worry about the future. If it were up to you, you would never leave this job and perhaps that is why Allah created circumstances that you had no option but to step back. You have to stay patient even when you can't figure things out, there's goodness in this situation that you cannot see through the tears, but in due time, all of it will be revealed."

Rufaida had only cried harder at her mum's advice, hoping that the coming weeks brought the goodness her mind couldn't fathom at the moment.

However, the month that followed wasn't less harsh. She sent her CV to every place her mind could think of, applied in all possible forums that seemed promising, and while some of them didn't respond to her mails, others replied by saying they currently had no vacancies. The first day of the next month had been rough when she hadn't received her paycheck and her mum had to give away almost her entire salary as the monthly installment of the home loan. Rufaida had been so hard on herself that day, dreading the fact that she had promised to clear the loan and decades later, her mum still had to slog to shoulder her responsibility.

"Life is not always about finding answers," Asma had advised one day, seeing how gloomy Rufaida had been the entire time.

When she hadn't replied to the statement, Asma elaborated, "You needed a break, Rufi, and since you wouldn't give yourself a break, Allah made you take one. I for one know with the experience you have, it shouldn't be this difficult to find a similar job in another hospital. But the fact that nothing is working out means Allah wants you to pause, reflect and trust Him. You sitting like this at home, desperate for an appointment letter, even this situation brings with it some goodness. Please, breathe and take life as it comes. Ask questions, but don't be so hasty to find answers. Life will give them to you when you're ready."

"I don't understand why all of this is happening," she confessed, trying to untangle the mystery in her mind. "I've applied in so many places and haven't received a response from even one."

"I'll tell you something?" Asma asked.

"Yeah?"

"I'm enjoying this phase of life. You started working as soon as you finished your degree, juggled master's with it, worked extra shifts, and I always wondered when I'd see you relax and just be. Maybe Allah is answering my duas? Look at me, I'm so happy to see you at home. We've never got to spend so much time with each other in years. We don't know what the future holds, and I don't think you understand how grateful I am for the extra hours with you."

When Rufaida simply looked at her mum, she elaborated, "Nothing stays forever, Rufi. Enjoy this time with your mother, we don't know what the days ahead will bring. Some situations don't bring with them answers, they are just meant to be lived. When your plans go for a toss, it's Allah's way of manifesting His Pride, that the world and everything it contains works on His command. When even a leaf does not move without His will, then why do you find it so hard to trust Allah with your life? Whatever that's happening may not be according to your wishes, but it's going exactly the way Allah wants it to, doesn't that comfort you?"

"How are you always this optimistic, Ammi?" Rufaida questioned, her mind soaring by the depth of her words.

"I lived through the worst circumstances, Rufi, only to realize Allah was paving the path to the best days of my life. What did I lose, tell me? Wherever I am today, I'm in a better place than where I once for, I have everything I once prayed for. I don't question Allah's plans anymore, alhamdulilah for the darkness and alhamdulilah for the light, for both bring with them lessons and blessings. From this moment onwards, I don't want you to grieve what you lost in the past and become anxious about the future. Say Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal Wakil and rest your case in His Hands."

Rufaida listened to her mum, paying heed to her words. It was so easy when she put it like that, but just as difficult when Rufaida correlated it with her life. Nonetheless, she decided she'd stop questioning the events and live one day at a time.

Another month passed with no avail. Another month of no paycheck and another month of feeling like a burden on her mum. Every time Rufaida looked at this as a stagnation period, she saw the smile on her mum's lips and the assurance that she was enjoying the new routine where Rufaida was getting more time for herself and was engaging in more ibadah, cooking new dishes and just being. There were days when Rufaida questioned if this was a punishment, but then she remembered why she was put in the spot, it was because she was trying to please Allah and be of help to people, and reassured herself that she hadn't done anything. And if she had, she prayed to Allah for forgiveness. We were all humans, and we were all sinners.

It wasn't always easy but she was taking clues from life, and slowing down her pace. There was some goodness in this situation, like her mum said, she just had to wait until it became apparent.

At the end of three months, Rufaida was a changed person. She was used to living a planned life, and when all events had jerked to a startling halt, coping up was terribly hard but she had learned to live with it. She was still desperate for a job, but her heart was at peace. Every once in a while she'd receive a rejection letter, and she'd muster the strength to trust Allah for it.

One day, her Nani had come to visit, and she was helping her sow seeds in the pots when she received a message from a colleague she once worked with a couple of years back. Unsure of what it meant, Rufaida immediately checked the text and replied to it.

Hi, Rufaida! How have you been? – Naina

Hey! I've been good. How are you? Nice to hear from you. – Rufaida

I'm doing great. I heard you left the hospital job. Was wondering if you were taking up any new projects? – Naina

Rufaida's eyes lit up, and her heartbeat accelerated at a prospective offer.

Yes, you're right. I have been considering new jobs, applied in a few places. – Rufaida

That's wonderful. Actually, I'm in my third trimester and was supposed to help my friend in a restaurant. But there are a few complications and I've been asked to take bed rest, so I'm trying to find a replacement who'd sub for me. Would you be interested? It would mean a lot! It's going to be a three-month project, the owner of the restaurant is this guy who's trying to get creative and have healthy meals on the menu, he's also focusing on disease related nutritious dishes. So he wants an experienced Dietician who can work with the head chef on menu planning and coming up with recipes. – Naina

Congratulations on such great news, Naina! I pray God blesses you and your little one. Also, the restaurant concept seems interesting, I'd definitely like to see how it goes. – Rufaida

Thanks, Rufaida! Oh and that's wonderful, I'll speak to my friend, she's a pastry chef at the restaurant. I'll pass on your number, she'll mostly call you for the appointment tomorrow. – Naina

Sure, sounds great :) - Rufaida

A job in a restaurant wasn't one that Rufaida had planned, but since she was open to any kind of opportunity at the moment, she decided to simply go with the flow.

She knocked on doors

Bruised her hands

She looked for keys

In distant lands

The night only got darker

The storm shook her world

The rain turned into thunder

The cracks battered her soul

Dejected, she turned away

From the door that held her dream

Only to find light peep from a window

That rested by a gentle stream

***

The next day, when Rufaida reached the location, she was slightly taken aback with how well it was planned, with every intricate detail taken care of. The ambiance was ethereal; the outdoor space had the whole waterfall effect with garden chairs, while indoor infrastructure was a mix of chic and elegant. As she walked in and her meeting with the head chef commenced, three months of stress and overthinking was unnecessary, she deduced, because when Rufaida signed the appointment letter, she wanted to cry, her blessing had come in a form she least expected. This is what Allah had planned all this time, she went through a three months battle to book the next three months of her life working as a Dietician in a restaurant, to deal with the general public and their taste buds, and combine her degree in nutrition with her secret love for cooking. It was an offer that was both rare and promising.

Her mum's words kept ringing in her ears, there's goodness in everything she had said, and Rufaida saw it with her own eyes. As she wrapped up the meeting with the head chef, which was a breezy chat involving food and nutrients, Rufaida turned around to leave, with a newfound energy to discover several opportunities and endless possibilities.

Mesmerized by how Allah laid down the events, Rufaida stepped out of the restaurant and walked down the cobbled pathway that led her to the exit. However, in the middle of her journey, something caught her eye and she stumbled in her steps.

Life didn't come with a manual, did it?

When Afreen had left with her brother, Rufaida had never thought she would ever feel what she felt in the moment. She didn't have an answer to why her heart leaped out of her chest, or why her eyes held unshed tears. She didn't know what had happened, or when her emotions had taken the liberty to rule over logic, she couldn't put into place a single moment when her boundaries had relaxed and she had given a teeny tiny chance to the prospect of finding something akin to love. That day, when she stood by the gate and looked on as the twins drove away one last time, a lot of unanswered questions and impossible dreams whizzed through her mind. But in the end, she realized she didn't want to solve the mystery.

That day would always remain a puzzle in her mind, one that came with every piece missing.

Rufaida had found it eerily comical that the day she had witnessed the end of a true love story was the moment her heart had craved for something similar. She had earlier wanted to cry, but she laughed instead, at the courage of her heart to break through the shackles she had put around itself. She almost wanted to punish it for its bravery, but then she realized whatever her heart went through that day was punishment enough. The concoction of mixed feelings was bitter, and her tongue still remembered the chastisement it had received from swallowing down dreams that dared to escape from the cage.

So now, as she gazed ahead, trying to maintain an unfazed demeanor, she wondered what were the chances of stumbling upon a person she had last seen almost four and a half years ago? She didn't know if it was the familiarity of the stranger or the sheer shock of finding him here, seated under a tree, in his own world, carefree, but not as careless as Rufaida had always thought him to be, that made her halt in her steps. But whatever the reason, Rufaida realized it shouldn't bother her, so as she lowered her gaze and resumed walking, she took in a shaky breath, ensuring the feelings from a locked chamber of her heart wouldn't betray her this time.

She stepped out of the gate and turned her back to him, unwilling to mar a joyous day with the memories of the past.

But with all secrets buried in it, the heart was a traitor, and as Rufaida made her way home, her mind kept replaying the moments of a fateful day when Afreen had walked away from home. It had been a difficult day for her, one she would never like to discuss or repeat, because for someone who was used to living a sorted life, with noting down each step and maintaining a record of all the key points, the emergence of a blank page amidst the clutter rattled her.

In an attempt to clear her mind of these thoughts, Rufaida went back to what she had just witnessed. As she retraced the image, she found it odd of him to be seated in the garden as he stared at a spread of crockery placed before him, examining each pot and every plate.

As strange as it was she brushed the scene aside, because really, when had Ahmed not left her surprised?